First Come The Red Hats, Then Kazoos

Instructions for the Big Guy are clear: if I even reach for a red hat to put on my soon-to-be fifty-year-old head, shoot me. Then and there, put me out of my misery and release the kids from the burden of claiming me as their mother.

I’ve got an addendum: if anyone else tries to do to me what some twit in Houston did to a group of elderly women on an outing to the park, shoot them. No, hang ‘em. Some idiot – probably a twenty-two-year-old public relations grad in her first job as an activities director at the retirement home – came up with a fantastic photo opp for the Houston Chronicle. Take five elderly women from assisted living, line them up in their wheelchairs, wrap their necks in Texas-style bandanas and top their heads with matching baseball hats. Then perch giant clown glasses on their noses - huge glasses that nearly cover their petite, age-withered faces.

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Stick a kazoo in each of their mouths and tell them to cheer on joggers. Then call the newspaper; they’ll probably put the photo on the front-page just as the Chronicle did.

I’m betting the Chronicle doesn’t win any AARP awards this year.