Haute Flash Contessa

Rants, ramblings, raves of a woman who blames everything from road rage to undercooked pork chops on a hormone imbalance.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Good Excuse to Buy a Case of Vodka

Vodka is the new vinegar. Don’t get me wrong, I love my vinegar. It’s been my mother’s little helper, a true BFF. Okay, second best, after Merlot. Well, maybe third, after Chardonnay. But it’s definitely way ahead of white zinfandel on the best friend scale. Little vin has gotten me out of tough spots, like when the mold in our tub started sprouting fungi. A little squirt of vin, a touch of The Big Guy’s elbow grease, and voila, the tub is clean enough to bathe in. Well, almost.

But according to The Daily Green, Vodka’s versatility spreads far beyond serving as the alcohol of choice for Gimlets and Cosmopolitans. With so many uses, it could be one shot glass away from ending global warming. Consider, it can:

Defeat poison ivy. Pour a bit directly to the infected area. Heck, just drink a whole bottle of Absolut and you’ll be amazed how the itching disappears. It’s hard to feel much of anything when you’re unconscious.

Freshen linen. Spritz your clothes and they’ll look like new. Plus, when that nosey woman across the street sticks her head inside the minivan and accuses you of having alcohol on your breath you can answer, “Nope. Laundry Day.”

Repel bugs. Not only can you keep mosquitoes away but now you have another explanation on those days you aren’t washing laundry.

Preserve flowers. Add a few drops of to the water in your vase and flowers will live much longer. Drink the rest and pickle yourself. You won’t live any longer but it’s all about quality, not quantity. Make sure it’s top-shelf.

Sooth jellyfish bites. Good to know, those jellyfish bites have become a big problem around here. By they time they hop on some kid’s flip-flops at the beach, get tossed around in the back of a minivan for 90 miles only to be dragged through the mud by a slobbering dog, those little suckers are stinging mad.

Clean and shine hair. Pour a shot or two of Smirnoff on your head, then rinse. Pour a shot or two down your throat and swallow. Repeat steps one and two until bottle is empty. You’ll end up a lush with squeaky clean tresses. Beats the heck out of crème rinse.

Sure makes you want to run out a buy a case of vodka. For emergencies.


At 9:35 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

I love your vodka usage suggestions. Especially the Fresh Linen one. That had me cracking up, even after I read it a few times. Funny girl. :)


At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Midlife Slices said...

OH man, I'm so happy to have new uses for my Vodka. I can't wait to buy another bottle or two...or three.

At 9:27 AM, Blogger The MAD Goddess said...

ONly time to jot a quick note, I'm on way to the liquor store to pick up a case.

You are very funny!

At 9:28 AM, Blogger The MAD Goddess said...

ONly time to jot a quick note, I'm on way to the liquor store to pick up a case.

You are very funny!


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