Cat Fighting

A couple of weeks ago I said I plunged to the depths of hell when I chaperoned the 6th grade dance at our YMCA. Thank goodness I didn't volunteer last night. Festivities hit a level where even Dante wouldn't descend: a cat-fight between 12-year-old girls.

Cat and her friend were all abuzz when I picked them up, filling me in on the details. Seems one hapless young boy decided to dump the girl he was "going out with" in favor of another without letting the first girl know. First of all, this going out between middle-schoolers is strange because they don't go anywhere. They're just "going out." Sorta like when Pinot & Grigio say they're going on a jog and they don't budge from the couch. Must be a mental thing.

Second, it's clear Hugh Hef Jr. is clueless in the ways of women. And chicken shit, to boot. When the fur started flying, he cowered in the corner crying. I've seen guys do that before. The Big Guy, for one, when I came home with the electronic side door to my van missing. I don't see what the big deal is. It came off its hinges when the side of the garage shifted, in what must've been one of those once-in-a-century Texas earthquakes, and slammed into the door as I was backing out. It's not as if I didn't try to get it fixed. I nearly made it to the repair shop before it fell off completely. At least I left it in a ditch, resting on soft grass.

Cat said Girlfriend #1 caught sight of Hef Jr. hopping around the floor with Girlfriend #2 and got into the act with a little bitch-slapping. Girlfriend #2 followed up with shoving and that's when all hell broke loose. Girlfriend #1 started a little fist-action, pummeling #2 until #2's nose started bleeding.

It ended pretty quickly and both girls, along with #2's mother who was chaperoning, were asked to leave. Apparently #2's mom threw in a few of her own verbal punches, telling #1 she'd kick her ass if she ever touched her daughter again. Yep, if I'd been chaperoning I'd be in that corner with Hef Jr.

This took a minute to sink in. Okay, it took a glass of wine to hit me. Two 12-year-old girls were actually beating on each other? I know that scene never made into High School Musical. I asked Cat and her friend if they'd even know what to do in a fight.

"Oh, yeah," Cat assured me. "Cat-fighting is in a girl's instinct."

"You start with some slapping and shoving," her friend confided, getting a little too excited if you ask me, "and then you go for the head, grabbing and yanking out hair."

"You end up pulling and tearing at her shirt," Cat said. "Maybe then you'll end up ripping a hole in it."

Oh, that's cruel. It's one thing to get slapped around or to lose some hair. Bruises fade and hair grows back. But to rip up a perfectly good Abercrombie shirt is just evil.