Tween Love Really Bites

The day Cat and millions of tween girls have been drooling over has arrived: the premiere of Twilight, the movie based on Stephenie Meyers series of true love, vampire-style. Not only is the book a knockout but, apparently, so is the leading male character, Edward Cullen.

There’ve been riots in malls where the actor, Robert Pattinson, has appeared and even moms admit to a little lust in their hearts.

Contessa fully understands how little hearts beat faster, breaths of air get caught in throats when a love-crush comes on screen. She gets that way every time Jack LaLanne, As Seen On TV, unlocks the power of juicing. But, over that bloody-mouth Twilight twit with an overbite and pasty skin that makes him look like a Florida snowbird right off the jet from Jersey? Get real. Okay, at least vamp boy doesn’t wear black socks and tennis shoes.

No, siree, Cat and her chums should spend a little less time hanging out at Hollister and more time tuning into Nick at Night to catch a glimpse of a true cinematic hunk. They’ll experience the kind of crush that sends a girl running home from school and flipping on the television before her mom has a chance to say, “Re-stock the wine cage, please.” I’m talking about another guy who hung out in a cave at night and bloodied low-life animals instead of sucking blood out of them. Yep, Robin, Boy Wonder, companion of the Caped Crusader, Batman.




What’s not to love? By night, he’s a crime-fighter cruising in a hot car and by day, a rich boy with his own personal attendant to cook his meals, clean his clothes and tuck him in at night. No, not the Contessa, Alfred the butler.

Each week, all decked-out in skin-tight leotards, micro-shorts and a cape whipping around his head, the boy of Little Contessa’s dreams twirled down a pole hidden in a closet and landed firmly in her heart. Can you say “Holy Hearthrob?” Boy Dude was easy on the eyes when he wasn’t in costume, too. When not strutting around in his ‘tards, Boy Wonder dolled up in either a tux or tennis togs. Let’s see that vamp-wimp Edward try wearing white. Those blood stains are impossible to wash out. Alfred would be one pissed butler. You know what they say about butlers: “If the butler ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.”

Sad to say, Contessa finally outgrew her crush on Robin. She grew up, matured, and turned her crushes to more respectable men. “It’s the story, of a man name Brady…”