Haute Flash Contessa

Rants, ramblings, raves of a woman who blames everything from road rage to undercooked pork chops on a hormone imbalance.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I'm a Big Boy Now

Pinot & Grigio came in from college for the Easter weekend and were searching for food. The egg salad didn't appeal to them, what with all the green flecks on top. I told 'em it was ground celery but they weren't buying it. So we did what Contessa does best: head out to a restaurant.

Grigio got behind the wheel, Pinot jumped in beside him yelling, "Shot gun," and pointed for Contessa to hop in the back.

As if. If the bag of month-old dirty laundry wasn't enough to keep me out of the back seat, the take-out boxes marked "Hunan's Wok Surpeme" did. Since when did Chinese restaurants serve cottage cheese?

"Besides, we're adults now," Pinot said.

"Yeah, does that mean you're paying the bill?"

Pinot climbed into the back seat.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Learn a new language: Teenspeak or Menospeak?

Cat came home from school and, mindful of feeding her a healthful snack, Contessa called out, “Grab a Mountain Dew and one of those deep-fried Twinkies.” Milk and cookies are soooo overrated. “Pull up a seat and tell Dr. Phil about your day. Oh, and me, too.”

“Pretty crunk until my BFF jacked my Dr. B to bust some waterfalling. Now she’s fremeny number one.”

Um, Dr. Phil, could you please…

“Cat’s day was awesome until her best friend forever took her soda to show off and poured the drink into her mouth without letting the can or liquid touch her lips. Now she’s your daughter’s friend-enemy.”

Gotta love that Dr. Phil.

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Sunday, April 05, 2009

Joking With Pinot & Grigio

Last night we got to see Pinot & Grigio in action as masters of ceremonies at their A&M choir showcase. Identical from the curls on their heads down to their curling toes, they tossed back twin jokes and comments. The only glitch came when a problem came up backstage and they had to improvise for a bit. Running out of material, they asked if anyone in the audience had a joke.

Up shot a hand from the back.

"Um, what's your joke, Contessa?"

"What's more frightening to identical twins than coming home from college for the summer and finding the locks changed?"

"Coming home from college for the summer, finding the locks changed AND job applications with their names on them."

Funny, identical twins even cry the same.

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