Haute Flash Contessa

Rants, ramblings, raves of a woman who blames everything from road rage to undercooked pork chops on a hormone imbalance.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

To Lose or Not to Lose? What Would Oprah Do?

It may be time to get serious about dropping a few pounds. I’m getting more e-mails from The Chubby Farm than from that guy pitching ShamWows.

I could stand to lose a pound or two or 10 or 20 but an e-mail from The Chubby Farm looks like an invitation to sweat to the oldies in a corn field. I’m more likely to run on a treadmill than ride a John Deere, especially if coaxed there by Raoul, a hunky trainer equipped with Cabernet, chocolates and a ripped chest.

It’s not as if I haven’t given weight loss a shot. Or two. Or three. Ok, signing up for Weight Watchers is an annual event and Gold’s Gym has issued an all-points-bulletin for my whereabouts. The only working out I do is weight lifting – carrying cases of wine from the car to the house. My idea of jogging is tailing Pinot, Grigio and Bongo out the door after I tell them it’s time to bathe Bongo.

Read the rest of the article here.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A man and his thongs are soon parted...

Just read the earth-shattering results of a Dear Abby survey where she polled male readers about their preferences for wearing thongs. On themselves, not women.

A whopping 55% said they wore 'em. That sure cuts down on the rag pile. The Big Guy would have to forgo those weekenders. Read here if you're confused....

I guess their reasons were valid. "Dino" said a man couldn't wear tight white jeans with anything else. The last time I saw a guy wear tight white jeans was, um, I don't think I've ever seen a guy wear tight white jeans. Oh, yeah, maybe at that Barry Manilow concert in 1978.

"Strung up in the middle" says they're under his work uniform. Makes me want to avoid the Post Office. He says they're great for casual and dressy wear, as well as lounging by the pool. Mark that reason number 20 for Contessa's boycott of public pools, right after that rule about no alcohol allowed but before bathing suit covers only one cheek.

"Confused" wrote that he just couldn't understand how women could wear such things, thinking thongs must be terribly uncomfortable. So he did what any red-blooded, reasonable male would do: he tried a pair on. Well, wouldn't you know, he thought they were so comfortable that he bought a few more pairs. Well this must've put his feminine side in overdrive because he said he was thinking about buying other ladies' underwear. What he saw in the lingerie section looked more comfortable and sexier than his boxers, he claimed. What next, Victor's Secret?

Scariest letter was from Jack, a 62-year-old dude who said he grew up with three good-looking sisters who always wore pretty ladies' nylon briefs. Um, little brother a peeping Tom? He hated the ugly bikini panties and is totally against thongs. Let's hear it for the granny pantie! I wonder if he's still close with his sisters?

Thankfully, only 9% of Abby's readers are male. Thankfully, The Big Guy isn't one of them.

By the way, I thought Dear Abby was dead.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Career Day at Middle School

Career day at the middle school was a blast! I got to introduce 60 sixth-graders to a rewarding way of life. Lounging in my pajammas and soaking in Dr. Phil's advice as I wait for the clock to strike five has been good to me. When I told the PTA lady my plans of coming in wearing my robe and bringing a tv just in time for Kathie and Hoda she suggested I talk about a career, a JOB, that gets me off the couch.

No problem. I could bring a few bottles of red and white and demonstrate useful stuff like the safe handling of corkscrews or learning how to swill without choking. She nixed that, too. What's the big deal? It wasn't as if I was going to use the teacher's waste basket for dumping wine.

So, I relied on my backup career as an author. This was going to one tough gig. How do I help these kids sort out their direction in life AND entertain them at the same time. Writing words on paper is just one step up on the interest scale from putting numbers on a form. To make it worse, some of the classes actually got to listen to a zoo employee. Not only did she wear a snappy brown uniform with a cool jungle hat but she brought a snake with her. Last time I checked the want ads, there wasn't a huge market for snake handlers but I'll not be judgemental. Actually, it was a smart animal to hang around your neck if you wanted to keep from being stampeded by a couple hundred adolescents. You'd be dead meat if you walked in cuddling a Koala bear. Monkeys weren't an option. If they wandered into the crowd of kids, you'd never find them.

Nervous about my presentation, I grabbed copies of my book and newspaper columns and moaned to Cat, "How can I compete with the zoo?"

"You can't. Get over it." What a loving child. "Well, you have one advantage," she added. Oh, a glimmer of hope the little darling will come through with support.

"At least you won't poop all over the place." I wouldn't take that to the bank.

When I got to the school I was greeted by a student escort. Santiago. Actually, he was my own personal assistant. Santiago was great. He handed out my writers' notepads and pens to the kids, carried my books and even tried to carry my coffee cup. Hands off, Santi baby, no one touches my mug. Truth be told, I didn't want him to get a whiff of my "additive." Did I mention I was nervous?

Kids were exposed to a nice variety of careers. There was the editor of a local weekly newspaper, a pilot in uniform, a woman from NASA, a personal chef, a cop, a woman firefighter who tried selling me a girdle that's guaranteed to drop me three sizes, a professor, a Baptist youth minister (who tried bribing them with cool t-shirts), the snake handler from the zoo and me, the author.

Most of us shared something in common, which may or may not have been revealed to the kids. We don't make any money in our careers. Except for that firefighter selling girdles on the side.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Leapin', er, Rainin' Lizards!

Only in South Florida. Again. Seems when the weather gets a bit nippy, Iguanas fall out of the trees. Yep, those ugly lizards go into a deep sleep, sorta like bears, I guess, and lose their grips on the trees.

How'd you like this falling on your head? I guess it could fall into that lady's hair right after she left the beauty salon. She'd never know it was there until the police searched her at the station.

Just like pet alligators flushed down toilets when they grew, Iguanas were pets released into the concrete jungle when they got too large. I'm glad I live in Houston with only the super-sized mosquitos and pit bulls to deal with.

Friday, January 16, 2009

At Least Her Hair Looked Nice

Don't get in the way of a woman headed to the beauty salon! An elderly lady in Boynton Beach, Florida, crashed into a guy riding a scooter but kept on going. She was on her way to get her hair washed at the beauty salon. What was she to do? Attend to the injured man or get a salon operator pissed off because she might've been late for her appointment? That old lady might've ended up without a blow-dry. Worse, maybe even no comb-out!

At least her hair looked real pretty for her booking shot.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New Year's Resolution

The Big Guy and I are cutting back on the vino to one glass a day. I guess that would be 7 glasses a week.

Can we start the week again today?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Contessa's New Job!

Contessa’s found the perfect job!

They’re looking for someone to lay around a beach in Australia, sunbathing with a little snorkeling and swimming thrown in. It’s a tough job but I’m up for it. They’ll want the candidate to blog about life on the beach and maybe do a few media interviews here and there. No problem. That’s part of my training. That, and drinking wine.

There are a few drawbacks. I’ll be half-a-world away from The Big Guy and the kids. And cooking. And cleaning. And laundering. And whining. And shedding dogs. And vomiting cats. And the 24/7 Major League Baseball channel. And middle school dances.

Where do I sign up?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Forgive Me Father Pinot, For I Have Sinned

I was getting ready to attend the 5:30 teen Mass last night when Pinot asked, "Is that what you're wearing to church?"

This, coming from a kid who looked like he just rolled out of bed. Right. He did just roll out of bed.

One more week and it's back to school for Pinot & Grigio. Who's counting?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Best and Worst Jobs

Glad to know that if the wine consulting business dries up there are still lots of options for the Contessa. Number one on the list of best jobs ranked by the Wall Street Journal was mathematician. Maybe I'll have to go down the list a bit further...

But hey, the worst job is lumberjack, ranked 200. But how can that be worst than the profession ranked 185: Nuclear Decontamination Tech? Actually, that sounds right up my alley. One weekend cleaning Pinot & Grigio's bathroom and I can decontaminate with the best of them.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Start the New Year Off Right

Okay, you know it's time to get serious about losing weight when "Chubby Farm" sends you emails. I guess that's someplace like where they ship off all the Greatest Loser contestants only instead of equippimg them with treadmills they give 'em hoes.

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