Haute Flash Contessa

Rants, ramblings, raves of a woman who blames everything from road rage to undercooked pork chops on a hormone imbalance.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Kitchen Remodeling Begins

They come tomorrow tear out all my cabinets, appliances and counter tops. They say everything will be back in order in two weeks. Considering I won't be able to cook until they counter tops are installed, I'm all for dragging this out a few months.

Yesterday I cleaned out my cabinets. We have one over the double oven where we store our liquor. Not that we have much of the hard stuff, we both like our wine. I threw out the bottle of Greek rotgut, er, wine that was given to me at a company Christmas party in 1993. I'm hanging on to the Peppermint Schnapps and maybe the Creme de Banana. My sister bought the Creme a couple of years ago when she was visiting and whipped up Bananas Foster. That's the only time it's been used but I just noticed it measures 15% alcohol, or 30 proof. Pretty tough stuff.

The cabinet is deep, which I can barely reach even with a stepstool so stuff sorta got tossed to the back and forgotten about. That includes six corkscrews I didn't know I had, a dozen corks or so, two University of Florida shot glasses, two containers of margarita salt, and dozens of kiddie birthday candles and party decorations. Oh, yeah, lots of glueI don't remember getting any complaints from parents but from the look of that cabinets the boys birthday parties must have been the talk of Learning Tree pre-school. Chugging games, see who can open the bottle of wine the quickest, glue together the corks into a animal shape, banana splits and Greek lessons...

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Inspirational Song

Heard these words belted out, Polka-fashion, from my '40s satellite radio station:

"I don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for me."
"We don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for us."

That Arthur Godfrey could melt a girl's heart, couldn't he? Something tells me this won't make the Itunes top-10 downloads any time soon.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Victoria's Dirty Little Secret

I bought a wonder-type bra a few years ago, not because I was in the mood for a little cleavage heavage but because it lifted the old boobs off my belly. Those lovelies were hand-picked off the shelves in Victoria's Secret. The boobs, not the bras. Not long afterward, I was throwing on my sweater and noticed nipples clinging to the sweater. I pushed, shoved, adjusted and the nipples wouldn't go away. Guess what? They weren't mine. They belonged to Victoria. Seems the company had built into the cups its own set of nipples. Nipples that didn't rub elbows with your belly button or tuck into your waistband, either. Nipples that wouldn't disappear. There they were, either for eternity or until the dryer ate them. And why? To make a point. Or two.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Bring Your Toilet Paper to Work Day

Newsflash: In a cost-cutting move, a New York business has announced it has asked employees to bring in rolls of toilet paper to work. Betcha the company was an accounting firm. CPAs aren't exactly the biggest spenders in the bar. Maybe management even brought in the first rolls -- thin, one-ply scratchy stuff that falls apart and sticks to, um, as the nuns would say, "your privates."

Yeah, this is one move that's gonna come back and bite 'em in the ass. So to speak.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Medical Mystery Revealed: Why Hair Goes Gray

New research reveals our hair turns gray because of a chain reaction inside our bodies. A chemical reaction causes hair to bleach itself from the inside out. That's sort of like what happens when your teen learns to drive. Every time he pulls out of the driveway, you slam back a brewski. Or two. You calm yourself from the inside out.

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