Haute Flash Contessa

Rants, ramblings, raves of a woman who blames everything from road rage to undercooked pork chops on a hormone imbalance.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Poor Little Wine Bottles

Headline in today's Houston Chronicle business section: "Providing good homes for wines." So sad that poor, underprivileged Wines are out on the street. Thank goodness there are lots of Cabs and Chardonnays safe and secure under my roof. That is, until I pull a Texas Corkscrew Massacre.

Friday, February 01, 2013

Contessa for Hire!

Here's info regarding my alter-ego's shameless attempts to exploit our relationship, and having the nerve to call it entertainment. Whatever. She is kinda funny, though. Maybe you SHOULD let her entertain at your next event. 

Danielle Schaaf is a warm and engaging speaker who works with businesses and organizations to customize and personalize presentations. Give her the message and she’ll deliver the comedy. Ideal for stress relief, morale boosting or just having a good time. Want more fun? Book one of her interactive Contessa Uncorked! comedy shows.

Sales Meetings * Volunteer Celebrations *Conventions/Trade Shows*Galas*
Fundraisers * Emcee/Master of Ceremonies * Roast/Toast *
*Holiday/Themed Parties* Special Events

Danielle, a public relations consultant for more than 20 years, is also a published
author and humorist. She co-authored the book, Don’t Chew Jesus! A Collection of Memorable Nun Stories, which has been adapted for the stage by the co-creator of Late Nite Catechism. She writes a humor column and a series of comedy acts surrounding the antics of her alter-ego, The Haute Flash Contessa.

The Haute Flash Contessa is a forget-about-work-I’d-rather-be-sipping-wine bon vivant. She’s a bit sarcastic, a lot snarky and seldom leaves home without her corkscrew. Contessa never loses sight of what’s important in her life: family, sense of humor and the truth that there’s always a Wine O’Clock somewhere. Whether it’s discussing her husband’s “weekenders” underwear, teaching teen drivers road rage etiquette or demonstrating the latest minivan seat-dancing moves to her daughter’s principal, no topic is sacred.

Send me a message, and I'll get her in touch with you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Wrinkle Cream is Sooo Last Century

Move over osteoporosis and heart disease, there's a new malady stiking those of us of a certain age. Cleavage wrinkles. Seems when women sleep on their sides, one big-ol-boob falls against the other (thanks, gravity), creating unwanted crease lines. And I thought worrying caused wrinkles! Thank goodness there's a solution called a "Kush Support".

According to those in the know, it's "firm enough to support yet light enough to not even feel it there."

Funny, that's what I say about my wine bra.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Planking in the Great Outdoors

What camping trip would be complete without planking? I think it was her way of getting out of unloading the car!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Middle Age Planking

"Planking" is all the rage with teens these days. My teen said it's hard and takes a strong core and rock hard abs to do a plank on top of an object. I gave it a try. Not so tough.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Summertime Lessons

I drove into the middle-school parking lot and caught sight of parents huddled together, clutching each other in fear. Tears flowed. Peeking through windows, I saw knuckle-bumping, bear-hugging and dancing on desk-tops. Margaritas flowed.

Ah, school let out for summer.

After the initial shock - and bottle of White Zin - wore off, Contessa turned to Merlotta for help weathering the next couple of months. After all, Merlotta was the emergency relief block captain during Hurricane Ike. Her yummy tuna baked-bean and just-out-of-date cream cheese casserole saved more than a few from dry Cheerios.

"Keep 'em busy," she said, emptying my cat's litter box. "Establish a routine," she added, as I handed her the bag of Tidy Cat.

read rest of the column here

All For Cheerleading, Stand Up and Holler

I was just telling The Big Guy how it’s that time of year when twisting and gyrating, jumping and yelling, turning back flips and cartwheels abound. In the end, there are smiles, tears and hugs of either congratulations or condolences.

“Time for Macy’s annual swimsuit sale already?” the Big Guy said, flipping the television channels during a break in the Rockets playoff game.

“No. I’m skipping that this year. Merlotta’s sewing ours. She got a great deal on slightly used blue tarps. It’s time for cheerleading tryouts and Cat is going out for the seventh grade squad.”

The Big Guy nearly spilled his beer. The last time that happened was when the doctor delivered Pinot and Grigio. After steadying his Pabst Blue Ribbon, The Big Guy channel-hopped back to the game just as the Power Dancers bumped and grinded their way onto center court. They sure had a lot of power but not much in the way of clothing. He looked at the screen, then at Cat, and then tried doling out a teachable moment.

“Real cheerleaders usually wear more than a handkerchief, and they don’t bust moves that make men dribble beer down their chins,” he said in his Cliff Huxtable voice.

“Dad, it’s a middle school tryout. Kids. Get real.” It’s amazing how far back into her head she can roll those eyes. “Oh, and two things: First, don’t say ‘bust moves.’ That’s so lame, coming from an old guy. Second, what’s a handkerchief?”

read rest of the column here

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I'm a Big Boy Now

Pinot & Grigio came in from college for the Easter weekend and were searching for food. The egg salad didn't appeal to them, what with all the green flecks on top. I told 'em it was ground celery but they weren't buying it. So we did what Contessa does best: head out to a restaurant.

Grigio got behind the wheel, Pinot jumped in beside him yelling, "Shot gun," and pointed for Contessa to hop in the back.

As if. If the bag of month-old dirty laundry wasn't enough to keep me out of the back seat, the take-out boxes marked "Hunan's Wok Surpeme" did. Since when did Chinese restaurants serve cottage cheese?

"Besides, we're adults now," Pinot said.

"Yeah, does that mean you're paying the bill?"

Pinot climbed into the back seat.

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