Monkeying Around

There's a study of baboons that showed older baboons, who, after being harassed by young stud baboons, mostly chose to leave their troupes and live in isolation. They just couldn't cut muster with young guns. However, some of those older baboons developed relationships with friendly females while they were young turks trouncing on the old guys. They discovered that when out-strutted by youngsters during their sun-setting years, willing females came out of the woods to comfort and groom them. Those wise old farts recognized a good thing. You know, a banana in hand is worth two on the tree. The old baboons stayed with their troupes. Moral of the story: you old baboons better treat females well during your oats-sowing years if you expect someone else to pick nits out of your elderly asses.

Mr. Speedy

Just read where a Japanese man set a world's record for his age bracket in the 100-meter dash. That bracket would be the 95-to-99 age group. The man is 95.

I'm guessing there's not a lot of competition in that age group.

Diet Scam

According to some fitness guru on the tube yesterday, we can lose weight by burning calories through everyday activities. He suggested we undertake this sort of “exercise” regiment:

Vacuuming – 100 calories per thirty minutes. Do this three times a week.

Dusting – 100 calories per hour. Four times a week would be good.

Grocery Shopping – 600 calories an outing. Make sure we do lots of knee bends by selecting from the bottom shelves. Once a week is fine.

Cleaning floors, tubs and toilets – 300 calories per hour. Try working this in daily.

Sex – 200 calories per ten minutes. Work this in at least two times a week.

Let’s see if I got this right: a spotless house, satisfied hubby and trim figure. What is this, the Stepford Wives Diet? I think I’ll stick to Weight Watcher’s.

Okay, the secret is out. The Haute Flash Contessa models part-time. Next up on her runway schedule is Ace Hardware's annual convention, wearing nothing but duct tape and a tool belt.